


Suburbanite

by EllaBesmirched (El_Bell)



Series: Pledge AU [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, I don't even know what's going on here honestly, M/M, in a future chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 12:21:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18365924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/El_Bell/pseuds/EllaBesmirched
Summary: After their children's adoptions are finalized, Erwin and Levi move to a nicer house in a nicer neighborhood. The neighbors, however, leave something to be desired.





	Suburbanite

**Author's Note:**

> SO I posted a draft of this on my blog FOREVER ago and figured I should throw this up! This takes place in the Pledge AU but I suppose you don't have to have read Pledge to find this amusing. If all goes as planned, this will only be two chapters, and the next one will be ~sexy. Wish me luck :D

Levi wakes up to screaming. 

Erwin, who always comes awake just a touch slower than Levi, groans beside him and starts to roll toward the edge of the bed, but Levi is already vaulting out from under the covers and racing into the empty study in only his boxer briefs. 

The master bedroom is on the first floor; the study links it to the rest of the house and the study is just to the left of the front door. Levi careens past the front door and into the living room to find Isabel sitting on Farlan's chest with Andy's head under her arm while she tries to wrestle the playstation controller from him. 

Tony sits with the second controller in his hand, watching the other three in stoic silence. 

"What the fuck time is it?" Levi snaps. 

Isabel starts to shout, "It's _my--"_ But then Andy and Farlan enact a coordinated _heave_ and she finally tumbles to the ground. The controller goes skittering. Andy lunges for it. 

"What's..." Erwin manages sleepily from the study doorway. He drags his hand over his face and can't seem to get his eyes open. 

Andy has the controller. Isabel is bent double about to tackle him like a linebacker, but Farlan is hanging on to her PJs. 

Levi steps over the entire riot and plucks the play station from the shelf. There is an immediate uproar, but it's too fucking early, so Levi just stomps back into the bedroom, sets the playstation on the empty dresser and falls back into bed. Erwin joins him a minute later; the living room is silent. They both get about twenty more minutes of uninterrupted sleep before Farlan comes barging into the bedroom begging to have the playstation back. Levi knows the other three all put him up to it and he yells without making actual words until Farlan pouts and walks out again. 

Then _Tony_ comes in. He scuffs his foot against the wood floor and says, "Can we play Minecraft if we promise to switch off every time someone dies?" And Tony was the only one _not fighting_ and in a perfect world, Levi would set him up with a one player game and make the other little gremlins _watch_ but. 

If they can get deep enough into Minecraft for the morning, they won't raise hell for a good long while. 

Levi waves his hand; Tony takes the playstation back and happily exits the room. 

"We need more controllers," Erwin says sleepily. They've got more than two, but the others are missing; they were either put in the wrong box, or that box was put in the wrong room, or-- Levi doesn't know but he'd spent two hours looking for them yesterday and came up empty handed. 

Levi doesn't take his face out of the pillow when he speaks. 

"What?"

"I said," he mumbles, "This is all your fault." It's true. If Erwin didn't look so damn cute holding babies, this _never_ would have happened. 

"You're right," Erwin tells him very seriously. "I think I'm gonna run to the store and grab two more. Maybe a new game. Keep them occupied while we finish unpacking." 

"Yeah, fine," Levi says. He realizes he's not getting any more sleep today, so he finally rolls over and stares at the ceiling. It's not even ten yet, he laments. Once upon a time, he wouldn't climb out of bed on a Saturday until at _least_ ten thirty am. Of course, _now_ nine thirty is a fucking luxury. 

Erwin gets up to make breakfast. Levi groans and grouches and finally leaves the bedroom when Erwin brings him a mug of his favorite black tea. The children are playing minecraft and being _mostly_ cooperative. They seem to be taking turns eating and playing. 

When Levi finishes his mug of tea, he feels mostly human and he decides he might as well start working-- but he's spent so long unpacking all week, the idea of rifling through one more box makes his head spin. 

"I'm gonna mow the lawn," he announces to Erwin. Erwin shrugs and kisses him on the cheek when he walks by to change into work clothes. 

Traditionally, Levi likes mowing the lawn. It's relaxing, since it's sorta mindless and hard for him to fuck up. And Erwin _could_ do it, but it's harder for him to work the push mower than it is for Levi. 

Of course, their old lawn was much smaller than this one. Levi is only half way done with the front yard when the summer sun starts to peak and he has to strip his shirt off. It's _hot_ and there's not much of a breeze today; Levi is glad the kids are inside playing rather than running around the pool out back. It's warm enough that Erwin would be hovering around them like an anxious gnat, reapplying sunscreen every ten minutes and making them drink ice water every five. 

He is just finishing up the last patch closest to the house when it occurs to him that they will need to get a ride on. Erwin has been asking him to get one for years so he can help, but Levi likes having this one chore all to himself. However, he's already been out here longer than he ever was before and he hasn't even started on the backyard yet. 

Front lawn finished, Levi turns off the mower and wipes his hand across his forehead; he considers saying fuck it and going to get a new mower right now, but he knows Erwin will want to spend time researching the best model for such a big purchase. Levi doesn't give a fuck as long as it keeps the grass short, but Erwin's the type to shell out the extra cash for fucking cup holders and insist they _need_ this. 

The sound of a foot step on concrete shocks Levi from his internal monologue and he turns his head to find a woman stepping onto their paved walkway with a large Tupperware platter in her hand. 

Levi stares. 

She's _way_ too fucking dressed up for noon on a Saturday-- she's wearing red sandals with a little heel, and a tight fitting sheath dress with an all over jungle leaf pattern and her dark hair is twisted in the back like she's going somewhere important. She's wearing huge sunglasses, has very red lips, and... shit. Even Levi can't help but notice her tits. They're sort of just. _Out there._ And she's pretty trim otherwise, so it's hard not to immediately see them. 

She very obviously looks Levi up and down and then waltzes right past him, clicking away, hips swaying. 

"Can I help you?" Levi asks when she raises her hand to knock on the front door. 

She pauses, turns and looks at him as if she's just now noticing him-- which he _knows_ she isn't-- and says, "Oh no, hun, keep doing what you're doing." And then she knocks on the door. 

Levi watches in bemused silence as Isabel answers it. 

" _Hi, sweetie,"_ the stranger coos. "Are your parents home?" 

Isabel stares at the woman like there is something very obviously wrong with her and looks around her at Levi. Levi, who is by this point _fascinated_ to see where this is going, waves his hand. 

Isabel gives the stranger another very silent, and frankly, rather rude look, before she turns and bellows, " _Daddy,"_ at the top of her lungs. She looks at the strange woman one more time before she turns and returns, presumably, to her video games and leaves the stranger on the front porch. 

Erwin appears seconds later. "Hello?"

"Hi!" the woman says _very_ enthusiastically. 

"Hi," Erwin replies with a rather generous smile.

Then Levi watches him notice those fucking melons on this chick's chest and he makes a face. Erwin pretends not to see him, but Levi knows. Oh, he knows. 

"I'm Maxine Taylor, I live across the street!" Everything 'Maxine' says seems to have an exclamation point behind it. 

"Oh, hi!" Erwin says again; they haven't had anyone from the neighborhood come greet them yet, but given that it's a small and rather ritzy cul de sac, Levi isn't surprised. "I'm Erwin." 

"So nice to finally meet you, sugar! Made y'all some cookies," Maxine says, waving the Tupperware under Erwin's nose. "Is your wife home?"

 _Ah._ There it is. Levi knew this was going to be entertaining. 

Erwin's expression shutters, even though he keeps the polite smile on his face. He tilts his head to the right just a hair, and Levi recognizes the look because it is one of his favorite versions of Erwin. It is the _oh, you have no fucking idea how much you’re about to regret what you just said to me_ look that he gets when he's _really_ pissed off. 

"My wife." 

"Mhmm!" 

Erwin looks past Maxine to Levi, who is now leaning against the lawn mower with a shameless smirk on his face. It's obvious Maxine had to walk right past him; it's obvious Levi wouldn't have let her without saying something first. Not to mention Levi and Erwin had been moving the whole family into the new place all week-- lots of trips to and from the moving truck, lots of _both_ of them going in and out. Petra and Mike and Nanaba had been there the first day of course, for most of the major lifting, but they hadn’t been back since.

"I don't have a wife."

Maxine puts her hand to her chest. "Oh, you poor thing! And that little girl too, well, that's just a shame." 

Erwin's magnificent eyebrows rise to his hairline. "What about my daughter now?"

"Oh, I just mean." She lowers her voice. "Must be hard raising a little girl all by yourself without her mama around! Oh, don't you worry, hun, this is a great neighborhood for you, we look out for ours! You take care of those other little ones too?" 

Erwin just says, "Oh my God." And then, "Uh, you mean my kids? Yeah, _we've_ got four. They're all _ours."_

"Oh, but you said--"

Erwin looks _very_ pointedly at Levi. 

There is a long beat during which Maxine just stares at him and then she turns around and _finally_ looks at Levi for real. Levi waves his left hand as sarcastically as he can muster and hopes those are the best goddamn cookies in the world because if they're not he's gonna tell his kids to throw them at Maxine Taylor's house. 

Maxine stares at him. 

And then Levi watches her cheeks go _bright_ red under her makeup. "Oh my _god,_ look at me, I'm just awful!" Yeah. Yeah, you are, Levi thinks. "You meant-- oh, I'm sorry, sug!" She comes off the porch and holds her hand out for Levi. "Hi, I'm Maxine."

"Yeah, I heard you," Levi says. Rather than take her hand, he pushes the lawnmower a little closer to the house and then trots up onto the porch to stand beside Erwin. 

"This is Levi," Erwin says pointedly, since Levi didn't bother. "My husband." 

Maxine is off balance now. She holds out her platter to Levi and says, "Cookies, hun! Not really a proper welcome, but we'll get to that won't we?" 

"We will?" Levi says, glancing at Erwin. 

"Oh, yeah! Well, next Saturday we're gonna have a BBQ across the way, and everyone in the neighborhood'll be there! We're all looking forward to getting to know you!" She is staring at Erwin when she speaks. She glances once at Levi, smiles, and goes back to looking at Erwin. Erwin lifts his left hand and runs it over the back of his head and-- yep. Levi fucking knew it. 

She _stares_ at the way his arm curls, at the fit bunch of muscle poorly hidden by the t-shirt he'd thrown on to make breakfast. 

"And of course, the kids are welcome too!" she adds, when the silence goes on a beat too long. "I've got one myself, little Cohen, he's ten and just a _treat."_

"Saturday," Erwin says. 

"Three o clock!"

Erwin looks down at Levi. Levi gives him a very subtle scowl, but Erwin says, "What should we bring?" Levi's going to kill him. 

"Oh, just your company, sugar!" Maxine says brightly. "Can't wait!" She shoves the cookies at Levi who accepts them in order to prevent the platter from taking his head off, and then waves cheerfully as she steps off the front porch. 

They watch her leave. 

When Levi knows she is out of earshot, he hisses, "Could you _be_ anymore obvious." 

"What?" Erwin complains. He still hasn't stopped staring at her. 

"There is no way those things are real." 

"Of course not," Erwin scoffs. "But. Uh." And. Yep. Still watching her walk away. 

"Oh, please," Levi mutters. He elbows Erwin when he turns to take the cookies inside. 

*

Levi fucking hates people. He’d almost forgotten, since the only people he ever hangs out with anymore are _his_ people-- all the little families that had sprung up in his life like Jean and Armin and Avery, and Sasha and Connie and thier fucking _swarm_ of children, and Mikasa and Eren and Hanji and Moblit and Petra, and Mike and Nanaba and their rugrats. It is, actually, a _lot_ of people, but Levi tolerates most of them. Maybe even likes most of them. 

This is not the same. 

For one, Maxine Taylor keeps flirting with his fucking husband. She’d gotten off to a rocky enough start, but Erwin seems more inclined to forgive her than he usually is for such an indiscretion. Levi thinks it’s her big fake tits, but if he’s being honest the rest of her looks pretty good too. She’s wearing a string bikini with a sarong thing tied around her waist and--

“If you don’t stop staring at her, I swear to fuck, Erwin.”

“I can _look,”_ Erwin hisses. “You’ve been checking out Bill since we got here.” 

Bill, Maxine’s husband, _does_ look… well. Nice. He’s no Erwin in the fucking _chest abs arm(s)_ department, but he’s not hard on the eyes either. 

“Bill doesn’t wanna fuck me,” Levi mutters. “Also, _I’m_ discreet.” Maxine has been preening for Erwin all afternoon. It’s gross. 

And Levi is already annoyed that he’s stuck in the middle of a fucking BBQ and people keep walking up to him and talking to him. He’s avoided conversation as much as he can by paying attention to the kids-- all four of them are splashing in the pool-- but about half the party is watching the pool, Andy and Farlan are in life jackets, and Isabel and Tony are both _very_ strong swimmers who have been instructed not to leave the shallow end. If Levi keeps hovering he’ll look like a goddamn psychopath. And he’ll piss his kids off. 

“Shit.” Erwin curses and Levi turns his head from the pool to find Erwin staring at his arm. 

“Did it die again?” Erwin’s right arm has been straight up malfunctioning lately-- it had died after only a few hours the last two times Erwin had charged it. He’s got an appointment to get it check out, but for now--

“Yeah,” Erwin groans. Levi sees the muscles in his shoulder twitch but the arm remains motionless. Erwin tugs his shirt off and turns his head to check the battery meter on the bicep. “It says it’s full,” he complains. 

Levi shrugs. “Did you bring the charger?” 

“Yeah,” Erwin says, pulling it out of his left pocket along with his cell phone. “Hey, Maxine!” 

She is standing fairly close and turns her head _very_ quickly when Erwin calls her. 

“Hey, sugar!” 

“Can you show me to a spare outlet? My arm died.” Erwin motions easily to the limp prosthesis, and gives Maxine a rather toothy smile. She blinks a little stupidly at him while she parses out what he means. 

“Oh. _Oh,_ yeah, sure, hon, this way.” She swishes inside and Erwin follows her, switching the release on the prosthesis’s socket as he walks and twisting it off his stump. Levi likes this prosthesis, mostly. It’s light, and has a vacuum seal instead of a harness to keep it in place, so it’s simple for Erwin to take on and off. But the charging thing _is_ a problem. And the damn things are still too expensive to upgrade _too_ frequently. It’s not as serious as it used to be, like the time Erwin ruined his arm jumping in the lake after Levi. But they’re still not a drop in the bucket. 

With Erwin gone, Levi’s buffer disappears. He hovers a little awkwardly, and finally decides he’d rather swim with the kids than spend another second just _standing_ here hoping no one will try to talk to him. So he strips his shirt too and hops in. 

Farlan swims to him immediately, paddling a little sloppily, but he’s got a pretty good idea of what he’s doing for a four year old. 

And. Alright. Levi still doesn’t love swimming but his kids do and it’s sort of hard not to enjoy himself when they’re all splashing and playing with each other instead of fighting. Levi throws Farlan away from him and lets him swim back, and then Andy wants to be thrown, and then the other two, and then Farlan is there again, and then some other kids he doesn’t even know (he doesn’t toss them nearly as far or as high just in case one of them has some real uppity parents) and the game continues until Farlan wants to jump from the edge into Levi’s arms. He gets a little too excited and just as Levi is calling out, “Don’t run!” Farlan goes down _hard._ He hits the ground with a resounding splat that makes all the parents watching hiss and all the others turn to look and then Farlan _shrieks_. 

Levi vaults out of the pool so fast he makes himself dizzy. Logically he knows Farlan is fine, probably just a little bruised, but it’s hard not to go into full on panic mode when he hears his kid screaming like that. 

The next few seconds are a whirl-- Levi scooping Farlan up and holding him, Levi searching out a towel to dry them both off, sitting Farlan down on a lawn chair so he can see the damage (a bloody knee and chin) and then wrestling Farlan out of his life jacket. When Farlan is hurt he always gets uncooperative; all he wants to do is cling to Levi’s neck and cry. 

Eventually (really, it’s probably less than five minutes) Levi carries a weakly blubbering Farlan into the kitchen and sets him down in a chair. He doesn’t have to search for a first aid kit because one of the mothers follows him and retrieves it for him. 

Levi thanks her and tends to his kid; Erwin appears at his side just long enough to make sure everything's under control before he goes back out to keep an eye on the other three. 

“What did we learn about running on concrete?” Levi mutters as he swabs Farlan’s knee. 

“Don’t,” Farlan tells him, deadpan and glassy eyed.

“Yeah,” Levi says with a chuckle. “I think you’ll live.” Nothing seems broken at least; Levi will keep an eye out for swelling, but he thinks they’re in the clear.

The kitchen is mostly quiet but the living room is full of women. Levi can hear a quiet, calm stream of chit chat while he tends to Farlan, and he doesn’t pay attention until he hears someone say, “God, she is _shameless.”_

“And so barking up the wrong tree,” a second voice says. 

“Look at her. It’s disgusting, really. And with a guy like Bill at home too.” The first woman sighs dreamily. 

“I know,” says yet another voice. After a brief pause she adds, “But honestly I can’t blame her. He’s an _Adonis.”_

“Fuck, I know,” the first voice hisses back. “Did you see him with his kids? It’s like, hi, my ovaries just exploded.” 

“What did he say he does? Doctor?”

“No, that was the other one. He’s a… a… shit--”

“College professor,” someone pipes up. 

“He can teach me _any time_ he wants.”

“Oh, you’re just as bad as Max!” 

“Am not. I’d at least _pretend_ to care that his husband is standing right next to him.” 

“Does he strike you as a little…”

“Scary?”

“Yeah! I mean, he just glares at everything. Maxine said when she went over to deliver those cookies he didn’t even thank her.” 

“Oh, god, don’t take that to heart. She told _me_ she thought he was the gardener and she asked the blond one where his wife was right in front of him. I wouldn’t have thanked her either.” 

Levi is crouched behind the island in the kitchen, unintentionally blocked from view. He listens in something like annoyance and something like amusement as he puts a bandaid on Farlan’s knee and moves to his chin next. 

“Did you see his tattoos? He looks like a street thug. And the way he _talks_ to those kids. You really think he’s a doctor? LIke, what kinda doctor _looks_ like that.”

Levi’s amusement shifts very firmly to annoyance.

 

“You bitches are just catty,” someone who hasn’t spoken yet proclaims. “He’s just as lickable as the blond one.” 

“Ugh, you always did like the short ones.” 

Levi stands then and says to Farlan, “All better?” He gives Levi a watery nod. “Good. Go show Daddy your battle scars.” He speaks in a soft voice, but perhaps standing made the women one room over realize they weren’t alone because they suddenly get very quiet.

He helps Farlan out of the chair and Farlan takes off through the kitchen, opens the door, and slams it, and runs over to Erwin by the pool. “And he’s still running,” Levi mutters to no one in particular, watching from behind the glass door. Farlan points to his knee, and then jumps back into the pool. Maxine appears at Erwin’s side again and Levi rolls his eyes. 

When he finally turns his head a whole gaggle of women are staring at him from the living room looking embarrassed. One of them upends her margarita glass.

Levi stares at them very silently, but before anyone can break the silence, Erwin and Maxine walk into the room fucking _laughing._

Erwin sees Levi standing there, gets his smile under control a little and says, “So you won’t have to stitch up our kid after all?”

“Nah,” Levi says. “He’s fine.”

“Oh, _good,”_ Maxine says, staring at Erwin and then brushing her hand, fingers tensed flat, over Erwin’s left bicep. “It just breaks my heart to hear 'em cry. Oh, right this way, sugar.” 

“Babe, Max is giving me a tour, do you wanna--”

“I think I’m alright,” Levi says flatly. Erwin shrugs. They traipse on by and Levi realizes they are talking about books. Some philosopher he hasn’t read. 

He takes a second to take a deep, steadying breath, and when he looks up, he finds the room full of women still staring at him. 

“I _know_ right?” one of them-- the same voice who had called him ‘lickable’ proclaims. 

Levi grimaces wordlessly and considers throwing himself at Bill to see how _Max_ likes it. 

“We’re sorry!” someone else blurts. “We. Didn’t know you were. Uh.” 

“Yeah, whatever,” Levi says, flapping his hand about to return to the pool. He puts his hand on the door, and hears, “Wait! Do you wanna margarita? _Trust_ me, it helps.”

“Helps what?” Levi demands. 

“Helps you ignore _that,”_ a blond woman with wild curls says, thumbing toward the door Erwin and Maxine have disappeared through. 

Levi is about to tell her to shove her margarita up her ass, but then he realizes-- “Actually. Yeah. Sure.” He lives across the _street._ And these people all suck. Who cares if he gets plastered? 

The women-- five of them total-- all bustle into the kitchen at once and start mixing him a drink like it’s a group effort. 

“So where’d y’all move from?” one asks. 

Shit. This again. 

“We had a house in Paradise. Erwin works for the University, and I work for the hospital. So.”

“So what brings you to our neck of the woods?”

“Our adoption was just finalized-- Tony and Andy, the two brothers-- so it was time for an upgrade.” He doesn’t bother describing Tony and Andy beyond that. Farlan is very pale and blond with big brown eyes, and Isabel is mixed race, with kinky blonde curls and dark brown skin; Tony and Andy both have the same dark brown hair and freckles and dark gray eyes. It’s clear they’re biological brothers. 

“Are all your kids adopted?” the sole redhead asks. 

“Yeah.” They’ve actually gotten this question a lot. People think Isabel _and_ Farlan are Erwin’s biological kids. 

“You’re daughter looks just like your husband!”

Levi almost rolls his eyes. It’s a softball question; they want to know about Isabel’s ethnicity. Her skin is so dark and her hair and eyes so light, and then she is seen with Erwin and Levi, and people always want to _stare_ and try to figure them all out. 

“Funny how that happens,” Levi says. 

A margarita is deposited into his hand. He takes swig and it’s _strong._ “Good shit.”

They are all still uncomfortable, kinda quiet and staring at him like he might explode. He takes another drink and is about to go back outside so he can watch the kids swimming when Erwin and Maxine come floating through again, deep in conversation. When Erwin walks by Levi he reaches out without breaking stride and pinches Levi’s ass so hard Levi jumps and sloshes his drink. Then Erwin disappears out the door. 

Levi’s going to fucking kill him. He is. He’s going _strangle_ him. 

With Maxine gone a second time, someone groans. “Just. _Why_ though?” she demands. She turns to Levi. “He’s _married_ to a _man,_ why does she think she can just.” 

“Probably because she needs her ass beat.” 

Everyone gets quiet. 

“You asked why.” They stay quiet. “I don’t mean by _me,”_ Levi snaps. 

“She does though,” the redhead says, popping a cherry tomato in her mouth. “Helen should have before they left, just smacked the botox right out of her forehead.” 

“On the front lawn! Could you imagine?” 

“Helen, the bitch who sold me my house Helen?” Levi asks. 

“Yeah. Maxine totally slept with her _son.”_

“Oh, she did _not,_ that was just a rumor, it was _actually_ the husband--”

“How old was the son?” Levi interrupts with a grimace. 

“Like twenty?”

“It doesn’t matter, it was the husband.”

“Yeah, definitely the husband. She was pissed at Helen about the bake sale debacle, she _told_ me. _Personally.”_

“Oh, you’re full of shit, Max hates your guts and we all know it.”

“Look, bitch.” 

Levi blinks as all the women suddenly launch into a goddamn _web_ of salacious rumors and gossip he _knows_ can’t all be true. Maxine has slept with nearly every man in town if these women are to be believed. 

“And Bill is such a sweetheart, too,” the blond with the curls says. 

“If my husband looked like _that_ I’d never get out of bed.”

“He’s gotta know, right? Like is he really that clueless?” 

Levi peers at Bill through the sliding glass door. He, Max, and Erwin are all talking now. Erwin says something and Bill just _laughs._ Levi narrows his eyes. 

“What?” 

“Huh?” Levi says when he realizes he is being spoken too. 

“You’re glaring.” 

Levi jerks his chin at the sliding glass door. If he didn’t know any better, they _both_ want to-- 

“Oh,” he says slowly. 

“Wait, what?” 

They’ve got Erwin’s number, Levi realizes. Well, almost. They can flirt with Erwin all they want-- they’re not an actual threat. Erwin’s probably the only bi dude who lives on the block. Or. The only _other_ bi dude. Did he _tell_ Max he wasn’t gay? Or did they just guess…

“Nothing,” Levi says. _He’s_ not about to start his own gossip, after all. 


End file.
